A young Somalilander brother, born in Mogadishu, educated in Djibouti, reared in West London by a British-born Somali father (the beauty of multi-layered identities), did something no Brit has achieved;
ended the British feud with dentistry won the gold model in the 10,000 m race. The UK cheered, the world looked on in envy, and Somalis, proud of their native son, united, if only for a brief moment in collective euphoric bliss. For a split second, Somalis and Somalilanders, from Hargeisa to Mogadishu, diverse in their political ideals, and patriotic afflictions, stood together in solidarity and awe of Mo Farah. It was a beautiful moment. words suppressed, rhetoric delayed, and ethnic pride took centre stage. It was perfect. But, Mo Farah did this…
And then some of us did this…
and I did this…
Now look, I’m all for well researched and nuanced discussion about the Somaliland/Somalia conflict, and never one to censor reasoned discourse, irrespective of its capacity to stir conspiracy. However, Mo Farah’s historic win was not the platform nor space for this discussion. I can’t believe we just did that. I’ve quit Somalis twice since, and applied for a Burundi passport. We did not just reduce a pivotal moment in the history of all Somali bodies to a moment seized to spew political and divisive propaganda. No! We couldn’t. We wouldn’t. No way! This can’t be, said the little girl. But so it was.
Rather than parlay into the political world of African secessionism (all for it), or dissect the validity of Somaliland’s separatist claim (I support it, Somaliland is/and will become an independent nation), I’ll instead give you a list of characters I’m convinced are detrimental to the peace and stability of this region, with/without Somaliland’s separation. I’m convinced the source of all mistrust/misinformation and spiteful rhetoric stem from an array of folks hellbent on challenging any chance of reconciliation and progress. These miscreants should be avoided at all costs, and any fantastical assumptions of rationality on their part, and naïve-laden attempts engaging them in civil discourse is both a lesson in futility and a task reserved for those folks who ban bras. Without further ado, I present you, Somalis we should elect for euthanasia experiments.
1) Ali and Asha ‘Somaliland Ha Nolaato’ Warsame
Found: Inhabiting any and all boroughs in the Greater London region (Never attempt to engage in any/all critiques of Somaliland and/or the implications/complications/nuance of separatism while in Londontown. They travel in packs, are relentless, and you’re life will thank you for it)
Favorite holiday: May 18th. To most Somalilanders and Somalis sympathetic to Somaliland’ secessionism, May 18th represents the day Somaliland declared its sovereignty, and claimed its autonomy. It is a glorious day. It is a day to be celebrated, exalted and remembered. Well, that’s how reasonable Somalilanders view this historic date, to Ali and Asha. May 18th represents the beginning of history; the day they escaped from the clutches of evil, the rapture predicted in the book of relevations. This day is not one of nation-building, love, and citizenry, but rather one of hate, rhetoric, and the occasional Somali flag burning.
Favorite Activities: Somaliland memes, summer vacations to Burco, profile pictures of the Somaliland flag, and referring to the Somalia as ‘the Dirty South’
Things not to say: Inquire about the ethnic origin of Somalilanders, and the root source of their national identity. 1988. Siad Barre. Somalinimo,
bananas as a side dish.
2) Farax and Halimo ‘Somali-weyn till death do us part’ Shirwac
Found: In every city in every welfare state (diverse group of Somalis that trascend all tribal/political allegiances, but united by a shared common hate for
books Somaliland. From Helsinki to Budapest, to twitter, these Negros are there.
Favorite holiday: July 1st, Somali Independence Day. They’ll rarely acknowledge the holidays of the countries they’re supported by and reside in. Rarely acknowledge and congratulate their neighbors on their independence. To these folks, May 18th, June 26th, June 27th are merely days for confused/mentally colonized Somalis. They also really love Ramadan. A lot. Well, at least will publicly remind any stranger within 5 mile radius of their love for Ramadan.
Favorite activities: Naming and claiming every person with a five- finger forehead as Somali. Stockpiling images of Mogadishu. Policing ‘Somalinimo’. Welfare offices. Conspiracy theories about how the whole world solely exists to destroy Somalia (some of these theories include a three way espionage between Israel, Bhutan and Ethiopia). Claiming Knaan as a cousin, and
calling Iman a whore.
Things not to say/do: ”When will you get a job, sir?”.Comparisons to other Africans. Inquire about his/her migration from Somalia to current locale. Support for Somaliland. Pan-Africanism. Encouraging introspection on their part.
3) Farhia and Yassin “I’m from Ogadenia, Ethiopia and have no Business Instigating This Mess’ Jamac.
Found: I have no idea, I’ve never seen these guys outside of Jijiga. They’re experts at going ‘stealth mode’. But from their undisclosed locations, have managed to brilliantly instigate the Somaliland/Somalia rap battle. Can be seen playing both sides, and offering unsolicited political prescriptions.
Favourite holiday: All of 1977-1978
Favourite activities: Dhaanto
Things not to say/do: “Shut up Habaasho”, “Viva Zenawi”, “ONLF are/aren’t terrorists (depending on political allegiances”, and lastly, never, ever, ever, attempt to niiko during the dhaanto.
4) Khadra and Yusuf “But What about Puntland?” Hussein
Found: In many cities, but headquarters are in Virginia, United States.
Favourite holiday: August 1st (Unfortunately this holiday hasn’t caught on, and these guys can be found celebrating alone in a corner)
Favourite activities: Denying the horrible legacy/privileges under the Siad Barre regime. Presenting themselves as the sole victims/victors/intelligentsia of this entire region. Longwinded stories of ‘Mogadishu’s glory days’ (no one else seems to remember this period except them).
Nurradin Farah novels. Secularism. Cabdulahi yusuf. Comparing their plight to that of the Jews. Khatuumo state parties.
Things not to say or do: An inquiry about oil reserves in Puntland. General Morgan. 1988. Siad Barre. Present-day Mogadishu. TFG. Silanyo. The whereabouts about Al-Shabaab’s headquarters. Identity yourself as a journalist.
There you have it folks. These are the seedy characters one must avoid at all cost, if one has any hopes of engaging a community at peace. These deviants are caricatures of a caricature, and hell-bent on preserving the status quo, the endurance of ignorance, and keeping all promises of peace and prosperity at bay. Some of these characters are our family, and friends, and one must be careful not to excuse this behavior, even when it exists in polite and parochial company. And lastly, for the love of all good in this world, stop enabling these looney tunes, and delete them from our consciousness and history books of our region. For peace to endure, we need reasoned citizens with gazes of solidarity and a love for one’s kin that transcends political borders.
P.S. Mo Farah only waived the Union Jack that evening, image used for satirical/illustration purposes. Should, any of Mo Farah’s relatives stumble upon this, your son is still our King
P.S.S. I’m not really Patrick Stewart.